Sometimes making lemonade is hard

I recently read another blog where the poster was writing about the loss of her brother to cancer, and the impacts to her. She wrote about how the world revolves around your loved one during their illness, and that in the end, what will happen will happen, and its all about how you deal with it. Her words resonated with me. Whether your loved one is a sibling, a parent, a friend, or a spouse, the experience of being their loved one will be that of a supporter who puts their own cares and life on hold to be there for them. Most of us do this willingly and gladly.

Yet no matter what support you give, you really have no control over the outcome of the battle, only the manner in which it is waged. This can be a hard fact to deal with, for both you and your loved one. Yet it's probably the most important one to come to terms with, so you can have the right attitude to be your loved one's most valuable supporter. Doctors, nurses, and other professionals can help with the physical portions of the battle, but you will be one of the primary emotional pillars during the fight. It's a tough role, but also one that is incredibly fulfilling, despite the challenges. You get to be the one to make them smile, and to otherwise brighten their days. You keep them feeling loved, and help keep them wanting to fight.

So many people said to my hubby and I during his cancer battle that they had no idea how we could laugh and smile and still have fun. They told both of us they admired how strong we were. I don't see it as strength so much as an appropriate survival mechanism. Simply put, suppose the worst were to happen- would you want your last days with your loved one to be all doom and gloom, or something special, wonderful and still very much full of love, caring, and even fun? For me, there was no choice, and given that the worst DID happen, I know that it was the right way to be. Anything else and not only would I be dealing with my grief now, but also a fair amount of guilt over things said/not said, or done/not done. There is a large amount of validity to the saying "Live everyday as if it's your last". You don't ever know what tomorrow will hold.

This attitude towards dealing with adversity should not change now that I am learning to be just "me" instead of "we", which is a different type of hardship. This attitude is summarized as making lemonade with the lemons life has handed you. This does not mean that it's easy. I can tell you that hubby and I sure had some moments of sadness and fear and all kinds of other emotions throughout his fight. When these happened, we drew strength from each other, and comfort in knowing that our fears were shared. Then we would make some new plan, even a small one like what to have for dinner, and get back to living, loving, and laughing.

The last few days have been hard ones. The grief has been almost crippling at times. This despite knowing that it's not what my hubby would want for me, and having the great support of friends and family. Logically I know that mourning is a roller coaster, but that does not make the low times any easier to bear. So many things remind me of what I have lost, from seeing other couples together, to happy endings in movies, and even sad ones.

Until you lose that significant other in your life, you won't truly appreciate how much their presence adds purpose to your life. The need to tell them how much you love them. The desire to share some interesting tidbit from your day. Looking forward to having a hug/kiss and hearing them tell you how much they love you. Planning some special thing to do together. The comfort of knowing they will be there for you and vice versa. The list goes on and on- a myriad of small things that collectively add up to a whole lot of meaning and purpose in your life. When those are suddenly gone, you feel their loss keenly. You are adrift in loneliness in a life that seemingly no longer has meaning.

You find that things you used to do for fun are no longer appealing, as they serve as a reminder of times BEFORE. The inability to do activities that used to provide relaxation and stress relief just compound the feelings of loss, and reduce your ability to deal with the new reality of being "alone".

Friends and family are great to lean on, but there are many things that they cannot do that your significant other did. For me, its the loss of that shared intimacy with my hubby that knocks me backwards and sets off the worst moments. The lack of someone telling me they love me in the morning. The hugs and kisses when we got home from work. The MMO gaming partner to joke with sitting beside me. The comfortable body to snuggle next to on the couch when watching a movie. The list is endless.

It's in these times that I am desperately in need of purpose and meaning. I can reach out to friends to ease the loneliness, but they can't fill the big hole where my hubby used to be as my central reason for being. This is another reason why I went back to work after only 6 weeks off, and why I registered for Team in Training. I need to try to give some meaning to what has happened, some routine to my days, and something new and different to do until I can do the things I used to without getting smacked down emotionally. It won't fill the hole that his death has left, but it does give some purpose to my life, and maybe that can serve as a bridge to get me from grief to healing.

Sometimes making lemonade is hard, but it's better than letting the lemon's leave a sour taste in your life. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. Most of the time I even believe it.