Burying my sorrows in good deeds

So, another month has passed. Time is just flying by. I guess that's a good thing for the most part, as it means I am moving along in my life, and I am not getting stuck on Kerry's passing. Still, when I stop to think about the time that is still going by, I can't help but be sad that I am moving along without him. I miss him all the time, but I know he would not want me to dwell on something that I cannot change, and the life that I will never get back. I have to think about this new life I have, hard as that can be at times. I think he would be pleased that I am at least trying to find a life without him at my side- he as much as instructed me to do so in the letter he left me, and in our conversations before he went for that last treatment. I find a lot of strength and comfort in that letter, and in some of the various verses that exist and express similar sentiments.

I still have concentration issues. Talking with others who have lost loved ones, the consensus seems to be that a) its very common and normal, and b) most seem to think its some sort of preservation technique that the body employs, to prevent us from getting too fixated on things that might lead us to dark places. I am not sure if that's true or not, but I guess short of seeking more professional help, I will just have to work through my grief process and hope that as time passes, I can get back to where I once was in this respect. Oddly, running is one of the few things I am doing that seems to calm my brain down, and I don't feel all ADD-like.

Credit rosieradcliffe@hotmail.com of  http://atcexchange.blogspot.ca/

I have certainly been more social since Kerry passed away, more so than we ever were when he was with me. This makes sense, as while I enjoy my alone time, I no longer have someone with me on a regular basis to share things with, and humans are social beings. It's great that so many friends are suggesting get-togethers, movie outings, and the like. A large group of our friends came out early in May to help get my yard ready for summer. They descended on my exterior space and made short work of cleaning up winter debris, opening the pool, some painting, getting the mower and trimmer operational, and putting down some new seed. I feel incredibly blessed to have such amazing friends. I went to Ottawa Comicon with another friend, and we had a lovely time wandering the exhibits, taking in the panels, and admiring all those that came out in costume. Perhaps next year I will don a costume of my own when I go. :)

Fundraising is still progressing, albeit more slowly now. I have pretty much run out of my list of folks to email, and basically its down to those that have not been able to contribute thus far kicking in a bit when and if their funds allow. This is fine by me- I wanted to get the bulk of my fundraising done before real training kicks off in June, and I have raised more than I ever expected to. Plus, with summer weather finally here, there is a lot of yard work I now have to do, so my time is certainly less free these days. Anything more I can raise from here on in is gravy for the cause. :)

For the running, I am still doing pretty much every other day workouts. I have had to move a few around due to other things going on in my life, but still making at least 3 sessions a week. I am currently up to a mix of:
     Week 4          Walk 1 min, run 3 min, walk 1 min X 5 sets   (run 15/walk 10)
     Week 5          Walk 1 min, run 4 min, walk 1 min X 4 sets  (run 16/walk 8)
I am still taking things easy and only advancing as it feels comfortable to do so. When I get a coach, then I will listen to what they advise, but in the absence of that, I will err on the side of caution. Why am I mixing them a bit? Well, when I was just always going to the next harder one, I never felt like I was actually improving. Plus, sometimes the new one was bit difficult on my legs. When I alternate them, I get to see that I am indeed improving, as even after one session at a new harder one, going back to the previous one makes it seem easy by comparison :D. This makes me feel good, and makes me want to keep going. The easier one also gives me a chance to recover a bit while learning the new harder one, and with just one week of the mixed, I am able to just do the new one and feel good about it. And I like feeling good about the workouts, since I am still new to running as an activity. Oh, and my legs are not cramping so much anymore, so that's a step in the right direction too!

Brooks PureFlow 3.0

I have definitely found a preference between all my shoes. One pair made the workouts feel easier, faster, and gave me less issues with my muscles. That was the Brooks Pure Flows. I liked them so much that I went looking for another pair, but since the 2.0 are no longer readily available, I got the new 3.0 version. And I love them even more! Needless to say, I bought an extra pair to have around, just in case :) The other shoes do not feel uncomfortable really, but they do feel somehow 'wrong' after running in the Brooks. So, I think I have found my shoes :)  When I run in the Brooks, my feet just seem to roll into a nice stride, and I land much more midfoot, which seems to just be easier on my legs. I find I want to go faster and farther when wearing them.

Speaking of that, that's actually now my biggest issue- that I am going TOO fast while doing my workouts. I was finding it hard to get through all the running intervals, until I realized that I was not really doing an easy pace (for me) most of the time. Slowing it down made all the difference. But at least I can see that there is some need for speed in me LOL.  I am hopeful that proper training will get my endurance up, so that I can give the speed a chance without losing all my steam. My body seems to want to run at faster than 7 min/km pace, but I force it back closer to 8 or even slower...

I am tracking everything via the Garmin watch I got, so I was able to see that I do have a beat to my current stride. 150.  I love to run with my tunes, since I am thus far running alone. I thought, "Perfect! In my library I must have many 150 bpm songs!"  Um. No. I did a BPM analysis of my entire library and netted around a dozen songs only. So I went looking online to find more. I ended up finding 5 hours of pre-mixed current music (in 1 hr chunks) that are all around 150bpm.  I have to say, what a difference that makes! I love running with the right beat for me. I can do a few paces at that same beat, but no matter what I do, I feel more energized when running with the beat. I look at my watch less to see how much more time is left in my interval, and simply just move. When I am feeling a bit tired towards the end of my workout, the beat helps pick me up and keeps my legs going. Of course, one drawback is that I frequently want to break into dance rather than just run :)

On the stats part, I have not lost much weight, still hovering around 175-177 pounds. Perhaps the fat is going away a bit, but I don't really notice any changes. I am at 37.2% body fat, and still a 29.7 BMI. However, I feel healthier, and I like feeling a bit more empowered by the running. I would say that ,currently, the mental benefits of my endeavor are ahead of the physical ones. I don't think that's a bad thing.

Besides all the above, my friend "L" suggested that I volunteer at the Ottawa Race Weekend so I could get an idea of what a race venue was like. I ended up as a finish line volunteer for the Sunday races. This was the Kids Race, the Marathon, and the half Marathon. I have never been to any race, and I had no idea of the scope of it, or the utter chaos of that many people all in one place!  I also got to see pretty much every possible state a human can be in when they cross the finish. I was witness to the elites finish, and saw some of them who looked elated, and some that really had given all they had to cross the line only to collapse after. The regular runners finished with smiles, with tears, with grimaces of pain. Some looked fresh still while others were limping and staggering. Several collapsed. I was working just past the finish line, cheering and encouraging the racers to keep on going to the Gatorade, water, and medal areas behind me, while helping to keep an eye out for those that needed medical assistance. I am not quite sure how long I stood there, likely over 4 hours since I know I was there when the first place runner came in, and I was still there at 12:30 which was 3.5 hours later, but it was non-stop cheering and giving high-fives. I had no voice left and bruised palms, but I loved every minute of it. Every single finisher deserved that "Good job!" and "You are amazing!" that I gave them. Some looked like it was not a great day for them, but to me, I saw an awesome individual who just completed an amazing feat that I can only dream of doing. To me, simply finishing is an accomplishment to be proud of, even if it was not a personal best. It certainly reinforced my appreciation for this endeavor, and I got to cheer a few of the TNT folks that came in too.

One thing that I was definitely touched by was the number of runners who thanked me for being a volunteer. I know when I run, I will do the same, now that I know just what effort is needed to get a large event like this off the ground and operating relatively smoothly. It takes a huge number of volunteers to make an event successful. Below are my fellow finish line volunteers, in the group photo taken before the first racers (the kids race) started to arrive at the finish line. I think we were only a small number of something like 3000 folks that gave their time over the weekend!  I think I will volunteer next year too, unless I am one of the runners. :)