One Month To Go

So. If any reading this want to contribute to my fundraising, we are in the final 3 weeks of the campaign. Oct 7, 2014 is the deadline. This time next month, my race will be done, and I will be soaking sore muscles and eating rich foods! I am getting nervous and excited now. Things are coming together, and the reality of what I am doing has hit home. Not that I fear I can't do this- quite the opposite! I have done 12k runs so far, and this weekend will be my first 15k run. I have done interval training. I have done a split pace 10k. There have been more opportunities for learning, and each has helped prepare me.

Belleisle Marsh Trail (near the start)

Over the Labour Day weekend, I took a trip home to NS to visit my parents. I had to do a long run and an interval training day while there. Not wanting to run on the roads (was not sure about traffic and condition of the shoulders) I instead ran on some trails. This was actually quite enjoyable. However trail running is not the same as running on pavement. The first trail was my 10K run, and it was pretty, but not super maintained. The trail was essentially a tractor path through a nice wetlands area, so while there was some gravel and dirt bits, there were also narrow ruts, rocks, and a lot of overgrown grass that liked to catch my shoes. Never once did my foot land in a nice even position, and it was a lot of work on my legs. However, I can't see that as a bad thing!  The interval day trail was shorter, again around a wetland pond, and I had to do laps of it. It was better maintained, and more gravel covered. It was a very good session. That was the good learning.

French Basin Trail

French Basin Trail

On arriving home I discovered a had a few blisters on my feet. The ones I found were on my heel and top of one of my toes, and I thought not much of them, thinking it was the still newish non-running shoes I had worn during my trip. I tried to go for my Thursday run the next day and had to abort. The balls of my feet were so sore!  Of course, I get back home and find blisters there too. So I cleaned them and bandaged them up, and did not run that day or the next day. They felt and looked better on Sunday, so I went out for my long run of 12k. By about 7k  I noticed them again. By 9k I was walking. They felt like bruises on the bottom of my feet and every foot strike was getting rather painful. So I walked for about a km, sort of on the sides of my feet. When the pain felt less, I finished the run running. I got home and fixed them up even better. I was able to run fine by Thursday, and no more issue since then. I now believe they may have started with the trail running, with its rocks and uneven surfaces, and the newish shoes just were the straw that broke the blisters back.

3/4 of Team Kerry

One of Kerry's co-workers formed a team in his memory for the 2014 Terry Fox Run, which was last Sunday. Of course, I had to participate once I learned of it.  My two running buddies registered too. It was a cool day-- 9 degrees C-- but perfect otherwise, and once I started running, even the coolness was welcome. The run fell on my split pace long run day, so that's what I did.  I managed 9min/km pace for first 5k and 8min/km for second. New PBs for 1 mi (12:18), 5k (39:59) and 10k (1:28:50)- the last two being each 2 minutes faster than previous times !!!! There was also some walking in both segments (once while waiting for buddy to use facilities and once when passing the finish area because the marked course was NOT 10km and I had to keep going but was throngs of folks and cars to get around). All in all a good day.
  
I have missed a few more days of running with the blisters and a few late days at work and the need to catch the lawn mowing between the rains. However, I think training is still on track and I am feeling good about being able to do the 21.1k on Oct 19. Starting to think about what I will be wearing, planning for a few different weather contingencies. I want to try to run with that gear for my next few long runs, so that I know it will be okay come race day. My race day shirt should be here in the next few days, so I can wash it a few times and decorate it, and basically break it in a bit.

Now for the stats, because you can't really see my progress in person, can you? Well, I have been holding steady still on the weight, despite hoping a few more pounds would drop off at some point. However, that's okay as I don't want to set myself up for failure at the race. I have put in some good training so far!

     Count:                82 Activities
     Distance:           410.12 km
     Calories:            31,073 C
     Time:                67:24:21 h:m:s
     Avg Distance:    5.00 km
     Avg Speed:        6.1 km/h
     Max Avg Spd:    7.1m/h
     Avg HR:            135 bpm
     Steps:              467,618 s

My concentration issues are getting better, although I am still too easily distracted for my liking. However, I have been able to focus much better in last month, both at work and in leisure. I have read a few more books now, and I have had some longer gaming session on the consoles/computer too. I am not there yet, but am feeling more like myself than I have in half a year. This is both a good thing, and something that bothers me. Part of me wonders, if I am getting better, does that mean I will forget? Rationally I know I won't, but such is the grief thought process.

Over half a year. Yes, its now been 7 months since Kerry passed away. As I write that, I am shaking my head in disbelief. It still seems so surreal at times. Time really has gotten messed up since his death. Sometimes it crawls along, barely moving. Then, at times like this, realizing that its been 7 months, it seems like it has passed at warp speed. I am coping, and I even can enjoy myself. I have gotten to a point where I can be me now without that seeming like a prison sentence. That does not mean the pain is not still there though. It just means I have gotten more used to it, and am more adept at functioning with it.  As others have said, you don't get over the loss of your lover and partner; you simply learn to live despite it.

Half Way

Its been a busy month and a bit since my last blog. Lots has been happening on all fronts, but finally a chance to get something written here.

So, lets start with the not so great things of the last month, and work to the good stuff.  First off, mid July had the first of the 'first' dates that I have to get through following Kerry's death- our anniversary. It would have been 26 years. I knew the day would hit me hard, and I prepared by booking the day off work. What I was not prepared for was that it was hard for about a week leading in to it and out of it as well. A definite low period for me, and probably the most depressed I've been since he died. However, with a lot of tissues, and some good people to talk to, I made it through. Next up will be his birthday, then Christmas.

Had a few more aches in the legs during that same period. I actually had to take one running day off, to see if the pain would abate. It did, so that was good. I think it was a combination of running more (now 4 days a week, and farther long runs), doing the repeated oval of track days, and my shoes actually wearing to the point they needed replacing. At any rate, after a sore-ish month, I think with the change of shoes, and muscles adjusting to the added activity, have finally combined to work for me, as the pain has been subsiding.

Worn Shoes

New shoes

 I went on my first solo trip as well, not far, just to Toronto to play tourist and take in a concert. I was supposed to run from the island airport to my hotel, and then back, to get in my weekly runs. However, I found I can not (yet) run with a backpack on. So I walked instead. Did 5.5km each way, so distance was good, but still missed the actual running workouts.

I have also discovered some of the less pleasant aspects of running. One of the track days happened to fall on one of our hottest days this summer, about 31 celcius before humidex. Track days are a harder workout, being as they are not "easy" pace but faster ones, plus we do some strength exercises before hand. Although I had been drinking water, my body decided it did not like the heat, and I must have had the start of a heat exhaustion. All I know is that I had to make a pretty dang fast 100m dash from where I was in my laps to the track bathroom, where I basically spent something like 15 min. After that, I could not run, and was still cramping something awful. I could  not risk driving for another half hour or so, for fear I would not make it my 40min drive home.

I also had my first major cramp while running. I've had a few where I caught them as they began, and I was able to walk them out, but last Sunday (10th)  I was supposed to run for 75 min, and in last 10min, my right calf just completely seized. I almost fell face first on the pavement since it was the leg taking my weight at the time. I stretched it, and had to walk the last bit of my run, hobbling somewhat, and the calf remained sore for pretty much all that week, even with massaging and stretching. One of the TNT alumni runners who still runs from the same coffee shop, met up with us as I was stretching the calf, and he suggested I need to start bringing electrolytes along now that I am going for more than an hour.

That's the bad. However, each was a learning experience, so here are some of the takeaways that I got from each.

1. I likely don't want to have nothing to do over the next "first" or subsequent ones. So I will plan to do something special for me. I did do a movie on our anniversary, but I needed to have a plan for the days around the date as well. So now I will look to maybe get away over Christmas to keep busy.
2. Keep an eye on the wear of my shoes, as perhaps the "estimated" wear distance is not going to be close to actual for me, given that I still weigh a bit more. I have already ordered 2 more pairs of my shoes, to be ready to change them at the first signs of leg pains again.
3. Once I get done my event, I will start running with a backpack more often, empty to start and building up weight. Its useful to run while I am doing the tourist thing. Or errands.
4. Prepare for hot days by being well hydrated PRIOR to the running, and bring electrolyes.
5. Prepare for the longer runs by being well hydrated, and having electrolyes along.

Now onto the things that are going well. My fundraising re-commitment has come and gone, and I am fully committed now for the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront half marathon!. I have surpassed my minimum fundraising amount, and am doing very well, being among the top 3 fundraisers in Canada right now. I am very pleased with how everyone has rallied behind me for this cause! If you have not yet contributed, there is still time- just click on the fundraising goal image to go to my secure site where you can make a donation via credit card.

This past month has seen the addition of track training to my schedule. I usually have to do a slightly modified version of the session the coach has planned, because all his athletes come out to track days, not just us TNT folks, and some of his clients are pretty darn fast folk, and some marathoners. So sometimes the track session plan would be as far as I have done on my easy long runs, so would be a real challenge to complete at faster paces LOL.  However, they do seem to help with my speed, and I have had some faster long run paces since starting the track interval training. I have set new PBs for 1km, 1mi, and 5k since starting track training. These are still not fast, but since I have been doing at least 5km for more than just last month, it shows that the speed is improving.

I also added some training buddies to my long runs. Since our TNT group is so small, its often just me, which is lonely and not very motivating. Thankfully, my friend S stepped up to the plate, and a friend of a friend, K, has also been coming out. Both are faster than me, but they go slower for me, although still usually a bit faster than I might do on my own. This is a good thing as it pushes me a bit past my comfort zone! Its nice to have the company along for sure.

Today, I had added another milestone, with the completion of my first 10km run. Training is just chugging right along, and we are just 2 months away now from the race. Its more than half way since I signed up with Team in Training, and almost half way in the training, and also just about half way in the distance I have achieved. I feel pretty confident that so long as I keep with the training per the plan, I will be finishing my first half marathon in two months.Right now, I'd say it will be in just over 3 hours.I won't have run 21.1km prior to race day; I think I will have done 18. So just as it is any time I do a new distance, my goal to to go nice and easy and get it done. If I have anything left in me, the last km or so will be where I give it.  I did use some electrolyte/energy chews for the first time today, and whether it was those, the cool sunny day, or the new shoes, but it was a great run. I felt energized and just good.

Concentration is still slowly improving, but I do think it is getting better. I was able to read my first book since hubby passed away, which for someone who used to go through anywhere from 3-8 books a month, well, taking 5 months to finish one book just had never happened before.

My physical stats have not changed much if at all since last month. Still the same weight, and such. However, I do eat more as well. I am definitely hungrier now that I run :)  Perhaps over the winter as I ease back a bit on the running, I can cut back on the eating too and trim down some more. However, I can't stop running, as I committed myself to a race in May. This one is just for me and my late husband. His favorite Disney character was Tinkerbell, so as soon as I heard of the Tinkerbell Half, I knew I had to run it :) So I signed up for it as soon as registration opened. I will have to step up the training come February latest, but I can ease up a after my race till then. Besides, its a nice excuse for a vacation in May to California heheh.

As to actual running and training stats, 

     Count:                70 Activities
     Distance:           324.86 km
     Calories:            25,624 C
     Time:                54:25:42 h:m:s
     Avg Distance:    4.64 km
     Avg Speed:        6.0 km/h
     Max Avg Spd:    6.6 km/h
     Avg HR:            136 bpm
     Steps:              366,628 s

Tomorrow will be 6 months since Kerry left this world. Its still an oddity of grief that this feels to me like both the longest time ever, and also like it was just yesterday. I still love him and miss him, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him, or talk to him. I hope that where ever he is now, he is pleased that I am hanging in there, coping, and continuing to live.

Slow and Steady

I am the Tortoise.

So here we are, another month since my last update, and three months since I started the actual physical part of this journey. Official coached training has begun, and things are moving along now. Today I had a group training session, and we ran an out and back route down Preston Street and the along the canal for a bit. I was a little nervous about my planned session, being as its the longest (and farthest!) I have ever run in my life. One hour of running, but split into four 15 minute segments to give me a chance to rest in between (3-4 minutes, no more), which I still need :).  I managed to keep my running pace close to 9 min/km, which is of course barely faster than walking. However, that's what I have to do currently if I want to go the time/distance. As my body becomes more used to this, perhaps I will be able to speed up. Today ended up at  just over 7.5 kms, which is pretty much one third of what I will do come race day. However, as I said going into this, I have no real expectations for my first half marathon (and my first distance race of any kind ever) beyond finishing it before the cutoff time. No pressure is how I plan to keep it. At least for this event. Who knows for the future.

When the coaching began, I was up to 6 min run intervals. The first assigned runs from the coach were 10 minute intervals-- three of them, with four of them on my first Sunday "long run".  I was intimidated, but determined. To my surprise, I did them. Then it was 2 x 15 minute runs and I did them too. Then was today's run, as mentioned above, and next week I do 2 x 20 minutes, with the plan of 2 x 30 minutes for next Sunday. Given that it took me almost 3 months to get from 1 minute of running to 6 minutes, and even then we are talking totals of only about 18-20 minutes of run time in a workout, jumping to 10 minutes with a total of 30 or more for the session seemed like an incredible leap. However, there is nothing to do but try. And as Yoda says, there is no try, only do or do not. So I did. I aim to keep my mind open, my body cared for, and maybe I will continue to surprise myself.

Given that its summer here, finally, I have switched to running mostly in the mornings, trying to catch the cooler part of the day. There have still been a few mornings though that were humid and warm. I almost wished the skies had opened up with full on rain, but it has not rained during my runs since the weather warmed up. I never used to understand people out running in the rain, but now I totally get it. I think I will love running best in the fall and into (and maybe through!) winter. At rest, I am a typical woman, meaning that I usually feel cold all the time, and want to wear sweaters and blankets once the fall and winter come, and even in the summer in air conditioned malls and offices. I barely ever sweated, and could often go without a deodorant.  Now that I am running, this has changed. It seems I run hot. I sweat copious amounts and need to drink water frequently. This is just wonderful (sarcasm) on the hot humid days. Now, I can wear tank tops and shorts and still feel warm even at rest. The exception is for about an hour, after I cool down following a run. Then I tend to get chills. Go figure. All I can say is that between the sweating, the sun screen, and the bug repellent, I really look forward to jumping in the pool or shower when I get done a workout.

On a side note, in relation to bugs, they have been fierce this year. I have been diligent about wearing the spray to keep them at bay every time I go outdoors for a run or yard work. However, I washed my car one night, and while I did use some, I guess I get a little splash happy with the hose when I am washing my car or something, as when I got done, I had numerous bites on my exposed legs, which is basically from just above the knee down to my ankles. This would not have been so bad, except my body does not do well with lots of bites, and essentially takes an allergic reaction. So the next morning, not only did I have itchy bug bites, but also an awful case of hives, that extended even onto my feet.. This was about 3 weeks ago now.  I have been using anti-histamines and creams and such ever since to keep the itching down, but I have still managed to scratch my legs. A lot. So right now, I have all kinds of scabby bites all down my legs. I can hide them while I go to work, and have been, but not so much when I run since I am wearing shorts. Also, I have to say that sweat and bug spray are great at irritating them even more, and when I am done a run its all I can do not to take a scouring pad to my legs. hehheh. So, next time I want to wash the car, I will do it in full pants, and still coat myself in repellent LOL.  For now, I just hope my legs will eventually heal up, and I can stop fielding questions about what happened to them when I am out on my runs.

"I love these shoes"
http://www.patthompsonsmudgepaintinggallery.com/

I am still loving my shoes. The rest of my gear is also working, so no complaints or issues to date. My right knee gave a few twinges today- this is a knee I have twisted (pretty severely)  twice over the last 15 years or so, so I will keep tabs on it, and pull out a brace if I need to. I am hopeful that as I continue this, and maybe lose a bit more weight, that it won't bother me too much. Now that I am going for a bit longer at a time, I am feeling the effort in a few more leg muscles. Nothing that concerns me, just the tired aches of several of them saying hello (or perhaps its more of a "hello, what the &@%$ are you doing?" ).

I don't like eating too much before I run, unless I get up a good hour or more before I head out, which apart from weekends is just about never. What I will have is half a container of Boost/Ensure.  Its light and does not make me feel full, but seems to give me enough of something to keep me going.  When I have time, I will have a bagel and maybe some juice. I have been cautioned on not having dairy before a run, so I will keep that in mind and switch my cream cheese for some peanut butter from now on.  Once I am done my run, then I usually feel hungry and can have my usual breakfast (oatmeal on weekdays, something with eggs on weekends). Overall, I think I have been consuming more than I used to eat, and my weight is still slowly dropping. Others are saying they notice a difference in my body, but I still don't really see it. Maybe my face is a bit thinner. Otherwise, my belly is still jiggling like a bowl of jello, and the undersides of my upper arms still catch the breeze like good spinnakers. LOL.

On the stats front, my weight is hovering between 171 and 175 pounds, depending on the day. My body fat is at 36%, and my BMI now reads as 28.9. So these numbers are saying that at least some aspects of my fitness are improving. I can feel it in how I don't get winded anymore when I go up the three flights of stairs at work, and how I am able to run for longer periods but my heart rate is keeping lower than max now (unless I push my pace heheh).  More interesting stats might be those of the workouts. I basically started in April, when I signed up with TNT. As of today, let's look at some of the cool stats for what I have actually done:

Count:                    49 Runs
Distance:                193.90 km
Calories:                 15,301 C
Time:                     31:59:25 h:m:s
Avg Distance:         3.96 km
Steps:                    201,266 s
Avg Speed:             6.1 km/h
Max Avg Speed: 6.6 km/h
Avg HR:                136 bpm

Otherwise, my concentration and memory are very slowly improving, I think. It still bothers me that I am not as I was before Kerry passed away. However, I remind myself to be patient, and not be too hard on myself. It will take as long as it takes. Since I am still grieving, and still cry and miss him, I guess I can't expect my mental health to be on the mend yet. I am still thankful for the running, as it really is one of the only times I can turn off the brain and just be.

Fundraising has stalled, which I expected. I did send out some letters to some of the businesses we frequented, and I continue to send reminders via my Facebook and Twitter, but given that I exceeded my initial goals, I am still very pleased with what folks have donated for this endeavor. I am not the type to hound people for cash, and I am not going to go door to door, or hold my hand out at some store. Nor am I prepared to stage a more involved fundraising event. At least, not this time. I simply don't have the time, or the desire in me, to do so. I am still adjusting to a routine without Kerry, and trying to figure out how to get all the needed work/chores done and still have time for running, gaming/TV, and seeing friends. So far I can fit in any 3 in a week, which means something gets left out. Since running is only going to take up more time as we go forward, I will have to work on efficiency in other areas so that I do not slip to even fewer things in a week.

Burying my sorrows in good deeds

So, another month has passed. Time is just flying by. I guess that's a good thing for the most part, as it means I am moving along in my life, and I am not getting stuck on Kerry's passing. Still, when I stop to think about the time that is still going by, I can't help but be sad that I am moving along without him. I miss him all the time, but I know he would not want me to dwell on something that I cannot change, and the life that I will never get back. I have to think about this new life I have, hard as that can be at times. I think he would be pleased that I am at least trying to find a life without him at my side- he as much as instructed me to do so in the letter he left me, and in our conversations before he went for that last treatment. I find a lot of strength and comfort in that letter, and in some of the various verses that exist and express similar sentiments.

I still have concentration issues. Talking with others who have lost loved ones, the consensus seems to be that a) its very common and normal, and b) most seem to think its some sort of preservation technique that the body employs, to prevent us from getting too fixated on things that might lead us to dark places. I am not sure if that's true or not, but I guess short of seeking more professional help, I will just have to work through my grief process and hope that as time passes, I can get back to where I once was in this respect. Oddly, running is one of the few things I am doing that seems to calm my brain down, and I don't feel all ADD-like.

Credit rosieradcliffe@hotmail.com of  http://atcexchange.blogspot.ca/

I have certainly been more social since Kerry passed away, more so than we ever were when he was with me. This makes sense, as while I enjoy my alone time, I no longer have someone with me on a regular basis to share things with, and humans are social beings. It's great that so many friends are suggesting get-togethers, movie outings, and the like. A large group of our friends came out early in May to help get my yard ready for summer. They descended on my exterior space and made short work of cleaning up winter debris, opening the pool, some painting, getting the mower and trimmer operational, and putting down some new seed. I feel incredibly blessed to have such amazing friends. I went to Ottawa Comicon with another friend, and we had a lovely time wandering the exhibits, taking in the panels, and admiring all those that came out in costume. Perhaps next year I will don a costume of my own when I go. :)

Fundraising is still progressing, albeit more slowly now. I have pretty much run out of my list of folks to email, and basically its down to those that have not been able to contribute thus far kicking in a bit when and if their funds allow. This is fine by me- I wanted to get the bulk of my fundraising done before real training kicks off in June, and I have raised more than I ever expected to. Plus, with summer weather finally here, there is a lot of yard work I now have to do, so my time is certainly less free these days. Anything more I can raise from here on in is gravy for the cause. :)

For the running, I am still doing pretty much every other day workouts. I have had to move a few around due to other things going on in my life, but still making at least 3 sessions a week. I am currently up to a mix of:
     Week 4          Walk 1 min, run 3 min, walk 1 min X 5 sets   (run 15/walk 10)
     Week 5          Walk 1 min, run 4 min, walk 1 min X 4 sets  (run 16/walk 8)
I am still taking things easy and only advancing as it feels comfortable to do so. When I get a coach, then I will listen to what they advise, but in the absence of that, I will err on the side of caution. Why am I mixing them a bit? Well, when I was just always going to the next harder one, I never felt like I was actually improving. Plus, sometimes the new one was bit difficult on my legs. When I alternate them, I get to see that I am indeed improving, as even after one session at a new harder one, going back to the previous one makes it seem easy by comparison :D. This makes me feel good, and makes me want to keep going. The easier one also gives me a chance to recover a bit while learning the new harder one, and with just one week of the mixed, I am able to just do the new one and feel good about it. And I like feeling good about the workouts, since I am still new to running as an activity. Oh, and my legs are not cramping so much anymore, so that's a step in the right direction too!

Brooks PureFlow 3.0

I have definitely found a preference between all my shoes. One pair made the workouts feel easier, faster, and gave me less issues with my muscles. That was the Brooks Pure Flows. I liked them so much that I went looking for another pair, but since the 2.0 are no longer readily available, I got the new 3.0 version. And I love them even more! Needless to say, I bought an extra pair to have around, just in case :) The other shoes do not feel uncomfortable really, but they do feel somehow 'wrong' after running in the Brooks. So, I think I have found my shoes :)  When I run in the Brooks, my feet just seem to roll into a nice stride, and I land much more midfoot, which seems to just be easier on my legs. I find I want to go faster and farther when wearing them.

Speaking of that, that's actually now my biggest issue- that I am going TOO fast while doing my workouts. I was finding it hard to get through all the running intervals, until I realized that I was not really doing an easy pace (for me) most of the time. Slowing it down made all the difference. But at least I can see that there is some need for speed in me LOL.  I am hopeful that proper training will get my endurance up, so that I can give the speed a chance without losing all my steam. My body seems to want to run at faster than 7 min/km pace, but I force it back closer to 8 or even slower...

I am tracking everything via the Garmin watch I got, so I was able to see that I do have a beat to my current stride. 150.  I love to run with my tunes, since I am thus far running alone. I thought, "Perfect! In my library I must have many 150 bpm songs!"  Um. No. I did a BPM analysis of my entire library and netted around a dozen songs only. So I went looking online to find more. I ended up finding 5 hours of pre-mixed current music (in 1 hr chunks) that are all around 150bpm.  I have to say, what a difference that makes! I love running with the right beat for me. I can do a few paces at that same beat, but no matter what I do, I feel more energized when running with the beat. I look at my watch less to see how much more time is left in my interval, and simply just move. When I am feeling a bit tired towards the end of my workout, the beat helps pick me up and keeps my legs going. Of course, one drawback is that I frequently want to break into dance rather than just run :)

On the stats part, I have not lost much weight, still hovering around 175-177 pounds. Perhaps the fat is going away a bit, but I don't really notice any changes. I am at 37.2% body fat, and still a 29.7 BMI. However, I feel healthier, and I like feeling a bit more empowered by the running. I would say that ,currently, the mental benefits of my endeavor are ahead of the physical ones. I don't think that's a bad thing.

Besides all the above, my friend "L" suggested that I volunteer at the Ottawa Race Weekend so I could get an idea of what a race venue was like. I ended up as a finish line volunteer for the Sunday races. This was the Kids Race, the Marathon, and the half Marathon. I have never been to any race, and I had no idea of the scope of it, or the utter chaos of that many people all in one place!  I also got to see pretty much every possible state a human can be in when they cross the finish. I was witness to the elites finish, and saw some of them who looked elated, and some that really had given all they had to cross the line only to collapse after. The regular runners finished with smiles, with tears, with grimaces of pain. Some looked fresh still while others were limping and staggering. Several collapsed. I was working just past the finish line, cheering and encouraging the racers to keep on going to the Gatorade, water, and medal areas behind me, while helping to keep an eye out for those that needed medical assistance. I am not quite sure how long I stood there, likely over 4 hours since I know I was there when the first place runner came in, and I was still there at 12:30 which was 3.5 hours later, but it was non-stop cheering and giving high-fives. I had no voice left and bruised palms, but I loved every minute of it. Every single finisher deserved that "Good job!" and "You are amazing!" that I gave them. Some looked like it was not a great day for them, but to me, I saw an awesome individual who just completed an amazing feat that I can only dream of doing. To me, simply finishing is an accomplishment to be proud of, even if it was not a personal best. It certainly reinforced my appreciation for this endeavor, and I got to cheer a few of the TNT folks that came in too.

One thing that I was definitely touched by was the number of runners who thanked me for being a volunteer. I know when I run, I will do the same, now that I know just what effort is needed to get a large event like this off the ground and operating relatively smoothly. It takes a huge number of volunteers to make an event successful. Below are my fellow finish line volunteers, in the group photo taken before the first racers (the kids race) started to arrive at the finish line. I think we were only a small number of something like 3000 folks that gave their time over the weekend!  I think I will volunteer next year too, unless I am one of the runners. :)

Good to go

For the last couple of weeks, I have been getting used to being back at work, fundraising, and getting myself into a more athletic state. None of these have been easy, but they are all helping me in their various ways.

"Dug" the dog in the movie "Up"

I am glad to be back at work, among my colleagues and trying to be productive. One of the current issues I have is an inability to keep focused. I experience this in more than just work, as I have a hard time reading, or even gaming, without everything distracting me. I cannot even stop the distractions, be they external or in my own mind. This frustrates me, as I used to be a very focused person, the kind that could get into a book or a game to the extent that I would not even hear people talking to me. The number of times my hubby would get up from his computer desk and tell me he was going to make dinner, only to come back to get me an hour later because my food was getting cold, and I had not even realized he had gotten up or spoken to me! I am hopeful this is just temporary, and I am really trying to pull my attention back to the work at hand. I call this the "squirrel" syndrome, after the dog in the movie "Up" :)


Fundraising has been going very well. I had no idea what to expect as I have never done this before. So I aimed rather low, and started early, figuring that way I could get some done before  I get busier with work, training, and summer stuff around the house. I have mainly just been emailing friends and colleagues, telling them what I am doing and why, and the generosity so far has been amazing. I find it a great comfort that so many are willing to help out for a good cause, in memory of hubby. I met my initial goal within the first week, and met my second goal as of today. The support I am getting beyond the fundraising is also wonderful. Each word of encouragement just confirms that I am doing the right thing with this endeavor. So, thank you!!!!

As to the actual physical part of this, the running, I am good to go. My friend "L" has been a great help, giving me excellent guidance on gear and motivation. She is an experienced marathoner, who is now attempting to move to the triathlon scene. About 2 weeks ago, she took me shopping. I love her attitude about what is worth the money and what is not. Shoes and socks are super important, so those we went to specialized stores to obtain. I was expecting to pay $$$ for shoes- I mean those are taking a lot of abuse when you run. I was quite surprised about socks, although they also make sense. So $150 on shoes was not shocking to me, but for some reason $15 for a pair of socks was :) But if I am doing this, then I will listen to those that have done this, and the advise they give me. For clothing, "L" was less inclined to go to the specialized stores, and instead we went to a lower priced department chain. I did learn about the importance of clothing that did not hold moisture (wicking fabrics good- cotton bad), and something I had not considered- seam placement and chaffing potential. This apparently is of concern also with sports bras, but as I told her, I am happy I was able to find ONE that works, as there is not a lot of choice for me. I could not even have considered running until fairly recently because there was nothing suitable for "bounce control" in my size. I will deal with chaffing if it becomes an issue. She did point out an interesting item in the one store, a product called "Bodyglide" which I gather is used to combat the chaffing issues. I have to say, it reminded me of, well, lubricants, and the thought of slathering that on before running is not something I want to contemplate. Yet. Let's tuck that into the "advanced topics" folder for later. When I am comfortable with $15 socks.

Brooks Pureflow 2 (above) and
Saucony Powergrid Ride 6 (below)

I really have no idea what type of shoe I prefer, beyond how it feels on my foot and the need for cushioning. One salesperson was telling me about the need for super light shoes for races, and how he loves to feel the road. When you are built like me, "feeling the road" does not sound like a good thing. I want cushioning and lots of shock absorption. :D That said, I ended up buying 2 pairs. One I got on sale, and is a pair of Brooks Pureflow 2.0s. These are sort of minimalist in that they are pretty flat from toe to heel, but they also seem to have decent cushioning, especially for the midfoot region. If nothing else, I hope they will allow me to experience that type of stride, as for the most part I feel that I am more a heel person, which I gather is not the most efficient. If they don't work out, at least I won't feel bad about wasting money. The other pair I got was a pair of Mizuna Wave Rider 17. In the store they felt very nice. There were other pairs that felt nice too, but at the time I was there, they had a warranty whereby I could wear them anywhere and try them for 60 days and still return them if I was unhappy. I walked/jogged in them once, and found they were too narrow once my feet got warm, so back they went. Now I have a pair of Saucony Powergrid Ride 6. They seem much better. I also have an older pair of Saucony that I had bought last year when I thought hubby was better and I was starting to try some jogging (without success as I overdid it too fast). I am now rotating between all of them.

One thing I just have to mention with respect to running shoes, and actually most athletic shoes I saw. Are manufacturers having some sort of contest to see who can make the most gaudy-butt-ugly pair or something? The choice and mix of colors is just awful. I have ended up with ones with purple, not because those are TNT colors, but because that was the only color in my size of the on-sale Brooks, and unless I wanted to go with the more expensive, and hideously colorful vizi-glo ones, grey and purple was the only other choice for the Saucony pair. My older ones from last year happen to be a very bright turquoise with fluorescent orange, but again, I got those on sale. I can forgive a lot once the price goes down.

"L" also loaned me some hydration belts to try, to see if I have any preference, before I buy any of my own. I certainly now have a better idea of what will and will not work for me. :) I thought the ones with the four smaller bottles would be wonderful. Ummm no. How the belt sits on my waist and where the bottles fit (even if I rotate the belt some) is pretty much right in the way of my arms. I did however like the elastic nature of that belt over the ones that are just nylon and buckle affairs. So I will look for something that has the bottle(s) at the back, and also has the comfort of stretchiness for a secure fit.

Who knew that there was so much to know and learn about gear for a sport as simple as putting one foot in front of the other with a bit of speed???

Another thing "L" did was give me a beginners schedule for starting to run, since I felt it was a real shame not to use the almost 2 months before TNT training kicks off to so something towards the goal. I have been using it since about the second week of April, but am not advancing to the next "week" unless I am comfortable with my progress and how I feel. So currently, I am doing a mix of

Me out in the April snow

Week 2 Walk 1 min, run 1 min, walk 1 min X 10 sets (run 10/walk 20)
Week 3 Walk 1 min, run 2 min, walk 2 min X 6 sets; run 2 min, walk 1 min (run 14/walk 19)

where I go out every other day. I am also going out no matter what the weather. So I have been out when the temperature has been at freezing, in the wind, in some snow, and also rain. I am well aware that I have no control over what the weather will be on race day, so no real point to only heading out on fine days. Not that mother nature has been giving us many fine days yet :) "L" gave me some great advise to help me get my butt off the couch and outside- tell yourself that you will only go for 10 minutes and if its really that bad, you can then come home. She said she has never done just 10 minutes, and so far, neither have I.
　
So far, I am liking the activity. My brain goes mostly calm, apart from wondering how long I have left in the running intervals and wondering how many more run intervals I have left. :) I listen to music, and just try to enjoy it no matter what its like outside. Right now, its not my breathing side that is getting tired. Yes, I do breathe harder and faster, and my heart rate goes up, but I am held back more by my legs adjusting to this new activity. My shin muscles are not used to the exercise and they like to cramp up. Usually about half way through the above workouts they do this. So I have to walk for one of the run intervals and then they are fine again, and I can continue. I am being very cautious about increasing things too fast, as last year I did that and ended up with shin splints, which basically stopped me from continuing past a few weeks. So now I am on the lookout for any pain that persists. So far, the slight pain I get is only for that brief window at around the 15-20 min in mark, and is totally gone when I am done. So I feel things are okay.

I did break down and purchase one more item. Really, the techie in me could not resist. I did argue with myself about the cost, but then I asked myself "What would hubby have done?" He was even MORE of a tech gadget person than I am, and I knew he would have bought this before he even got shoes! So I now own a nice GPS runners watch, so I can track my distance/pace/time and also program in the intervals so that I don't have to keep track of that sort of thing manually. However, unlike what he would have gotten, I did not get the fanciest thing on the market, and just went for one that seemed to do what I required right now.

I am trying to eat a bit better now than previously- we had a lot of high calorie meals to keep hubby's weight up during the months and months of chemo and the time post stem-cell transplant. Better for me means more "green stuff", and more fresh rather than processed/pre-packaged foods. I love meat and pasta, and veggies tended to get in the way. Now I make sure they are part of every main meal. I am cooking in bulk on weekends and freezing it (pasta sauce, chili, stews), so that I don't have to spend too much time making things during the week. If I do make something during the week, its something like chicken Souvlaki or steak, which do not take very long. I am not much of a cook, and in fact hubby was the main cook in our house, with me helping him and doing the BBQing. With the addition of working out to my life, plus having to assume all the household chores, any time savings I can find are a bonus!
　
So, since I am also doing this to get back in shape (as well as fund-raise), I should be honest about my current shape and fitness. So, here I go, posting my weight publicly for the first time ever. At the time my hubby passed away, I weighed 190 pounds. I am only 5'4". According to all the charts, this classifies as obese, not simply overweight. At the time I started to use the schedule from "L" (about 7 weeks after his death) I was down to 180 pounds. The grief diet works wonders, but I do not recommend it. I am currently at 176 pounds. According to the body fat gadget I found in my hubby's office (that man seems to have acquired one of everything if it was a gadget !) , I am at 36.7% body fat with a BMI of 29.7.  My exercise level going into this would be best described as light to none, although we did occasional walks in the last half year or so. I did bike about 4-6 km most days until it got cool last fall, but that's not really a huge workout. I will update my progress on the "fitness" front from time to time as I continue this journey.

　　

Sometimes making lemonade is hard

I recently read another blog where the poster was writing about the loss of her brother to cancer, and the impacts to her. She wrote about how the world revolves around your loved one during their illness, and that in the end, what will happen will happen, and its all about how you deal with it. Her words resonated with me. Whether your loved one is a sibling, a parent, a friend, or a spouse, the experience of being their loved one will be that of a supporter who puts their own cares and life on hold to be there for them. Most of us do this willingly and gladly.

Yet no matter what support you give, you really have no control over the outcome of the battle, only the manner in which it is waged. This can be a hard fact to deal with, for both you and your loved one. Yet it's probably the most important one to come to terms with, so you can have the right attitude to be your loved one's most valuable supporter. Doctors, nurses, and other professionals can help with the physical portions of the battle, but you will be one of the primary emotional pillars during the fight. It's a tough role, but also one that is incredibly fulfilling, despite the challenges. You get to be the one to make them smile, and to otherwise brighten their days. You keep them feeling loved, and help keep them wanting to fight.

So many people said to my hubby and I during his cancer battle that they had no idea how we could laugh and smile and still have fun. They told both of us they admired how strong we were. I don't see it as strength so much as an appropriate survival mechanism. Simply put, suppose the worst were to happen- would you want your last days with your loved one to be all doom and gloom, or something special, wonderful and still very much full of love, caring, and even fun? For me, there was no choice, and given that the worst DID happen, I know that it was the right way to be. Anything else and not only would I be dealing with my grief now, but also a fair amount of guilt over things said/not said, or done/not done. There is a large amount of validity to the saying "Live everyday as if it's your last". You don't ever know what tomorrow will hold.

This attitude towards dealing with adversity should not change now that I am learning to be just "me" instead of "we", which is a different type of hardship. This attitude is summarized as making lemonade with the lemons life has handed you. This does not mean that it's easy. I can tell you that hubby and I sure had some moments of sadness and fear and all kinds of other emotions throughout his fight. When these happened, we drew strength from each other, and comfort in knowing that our fears were shared. Then we would make some new plan, even a small one like what to have for dinner, and get back to living, loving, and laughing.

The last few days have been hard ones. The grief has been almost crippling at times. This despite knowing that it's not what my hubby would want for me, and having the great support of friends and family. Logically I know that mourning is a roller coaster, but that does not make the low times any easier to bear. So many things remind me of what I have lost, from seeing other couples together, to happy endings in movies, and even sad ones.

Until you lose that significant other in your life, you won't truly appreciate how much their presence adds purpose to your life. The need to tell them how much you love them. The desire to share some interesting tidbit from your day. Looking forward to having a hug/kiss and hearing them tell you how much they love you. Planning some special thing to do together. The comfort of knowing they will be there for you and vice versa. The list goes on and on- a myriad of small things that collectively add up to a whole lot of meaning and purpose in your life. When those are suddenly gone, you feel their loss keenly. You are adrift in loneliness in a life that seemingly no longer has meaning.

You find that things you used to do for fun are no longer appealing, as they serve as a reminder of times BEFORE. The inability to do activities that used to provide relaxation and stress relief just compound the feelings of loss, and reduce your ability to deal with the new reality of being "alone".

Friends and family are great to lean on, but there are many things that they cannot do that your significant other did. For me, its the loss of that shared intimacy with my hubby that knocks me backwards and sets off the worst moments. The lack of someone telling me they love me in the morning. The hugs and kisses when we got home from work. The MMO gaming partner to joke with sitting beside me. The comfortable body to snuggle next to on the couch when watching a movie. The list is endless.

It's in these times that I am desperately in need of purpose and meaning. I can reach out to friends to ease the loneliness, but they can't fill the big hole where my hubby used to be as my central reason for being. This is another reason why I went back to work after only 6 weeks off, and why I registered for Team in Training. I need to try to give some meaning to what has happened, some routine to my days, and something new and different to do until I can do the things I used to without getting smacked down emotionally. It won't fill the hole that his death has left, but it does give some purpose to my life, and maybe that can serve as a bridge to get me from grief to healing.

Sometimes making lemonade is hard, but it's better than letting the lemon's leave a sour taste in your life. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. Most of the time I even believe it.

And so it begins...

This journey actually began almost 27 years ago. I met the most amazing guy at my summer job before university, and fell in love. However, right at the same time we were getting engaged just 3 months later, my wonderful fellow found a lump in his groin. It turned out to be cancer, specifically Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It was somewhat of a downer on what should have been a happy time, but truthfully, I knew he was the one for me, even if we only had a short time. Luckily, with radiation treatments, his cancer was beaten into remission. We got married. We loved, lived, gamed, traveled and generally had a wonderful time. We were best friends. We seldom did anything separately.

Fast forward through 24 years of bliss. My husband got very sick over Christmas 2010. We put it down to a nasty viral strain. Then in March 2011, he started having night sweats, the kind that drench the bed. Just as he thought about going to the doctor about them, they went away. In June, he started having severe back pain. He went to see a doctor, and of course they thought it was just normal lower back pain that would clear up in 6-8 weeks on its own. Only it didn't. It got worse. By end of July it was excruciating and he couldn't even sleep. Then he got scans done. Near the end of August he saw his GP for the results, and the GP was ashen and told him it looked like he had multiple tumors all along his spine and there was something also in his chest. An appointment was made to see any specialist that could take a better look ASAP. It happened to be a respiratory specialist. He looked at the scans, showed us the areas of concern (which were numerous tumors, including one that was pressing on his spine), saw how hard it was for my husband to even walk at that time, and he immediately sent us to the hospital ER for assessment by neurologists.

This turned into more scans and waiting. After determining that paralysis was not an immediate danger, they sent us to another hospital where there were hematology oncologists. After another ER wait and visit, my husband was admitted that night and stayed in the hospital for almost a week of testing. He could barely walk, and was in need of strong painkillers just to try to get some sleep. They confirmed it was indeed cancer. This time a non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, specifically Diffuse Large B Cell Lymphoma. They started him on R-CHOP chemotherapy. The good part of that was that the steroids shrunk the spinal tumor and the pain went away. He still needed physio to regain his walking ability again however. Apart from the time for the testing, and the days of the actual chemo, hubby continued to work throughout everything.

After five months of chemo, the tumors were mostly gone, as was the loose cancer that was floating about the empty regions of his chest cavity. However, there was still something in his hip bone. Because of his prior cancer, they were concerned about using additional radiation to target just this other area. So they decided on going with high dose chemo, with a rescue autologous stem cell transplant. In June 2012 he underwent this procedure and came through it with flying colors. By November he was declared to be in remission. And he returned to work in November as well, only being off for 5 months.

In May 2013, the night sweats returned. We both knew what that meant this time. Sure enough, in late July it was confirmed that the cancer was back. They started him on a new chemo regime, CISplatin and gemcitabine. He had 6 rounds of that, with the last one in December right before Christmas. In October the doctors told us that the only chance he had for a cure was to have an allogenic stem cell transplant. They told us that it was riskier than the one he had before, with a 20% mortality rate. Hubby and I talked about it, but both of us came to the same conclusion. If we didn't do it, the the risk of death would be 100%, likely in a year or two, and likely to be prolonged and painful. The transplant had a good chance of helping us have longer than that, with higher quality of life, but the risk was that death could be rather sudden and much sooner. Hubby decided he wanted to do the transplant. If he had to die, he preferred to have something that would be more sudden than to waste away before my eyes and need a lot of care in the process. I had to agree with his view.

The official search for a donor kicked off in late November. So at the end of January, after a suitable donor was located, hubby began the high dose preparatory chemo for the transplant, and on Feb 5 2014, had the transplant. All the drugs he was on before the transplant and after to help minimize the rejection and graft vs host side effect did not agree with him however. His kidneys in particular were not happy. He was constantly nauseous and could barely eat. He was started on feeding tube, but he managed to pull it out over night after just 2 days. The kidney function got worse, and they finally had to start him on dialysis on Feb 16. By then, he was suffering from the toxins in his body, and was rather confused and delusional. It was not pleasant to see him that way, and it really upset him the few times he realized that he was so "messed up". I knew it was not a great time, but I had no idea when I left him at 1 am on Feb 18 that I would be called at just after 7 am to be told of "a change in his condition" and arrive at the hospital as quickly as I could get there (which due to snow and rush hour traffic was over an hour) to find he had passed away.

I was devastated. I still am. It's only been a month and a half since he died after all. How could my wonderful husband, my best friend, one of the most vital people I know suddenly be gone? Truthfully, it still boggles my mind and I don't think I have accepted it. I cry myself to sleep every night, and usually cry again as soon as I wake up.

So, what then is this journey that started so many years ago? Well, when my husband was diagnosed with lymphoma this last time, I made a promise. When we got through this one (and I was sure he would), I would sign up for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training.  I would raise money for a cause that was really close to home, and also get back into shape, something my husband really wanted me to do. I tried so many times over the last 3 years, but frankly, when push came to shove for how to allocate my precious free time, I chose to spend it with him. When he could come with me still, I would run while he biked beside me, or simply just bike or walk with him. But when he could not do that, I spent my time beside him, or just in the same room as him. Given that he is now gone, I stand by my decision. Those moments with him are now all I have left. My health I can attend to now.

When I made that promise to run back in 2011, I was expecting to have my husband cheering me on, or maybe even running with me. However, I will still fulfill my promise, in his memory.  LLS provide support and training to participate in an endurance event while the participant fund raises for their cause. I encourage anyone reading this to check them out  http://www-prd.teamintraining.ca/en-CA/our-mission .

And so it begins, my journey to go from being an overweight gaming geek to that of a half-marthon runner. I have registered for my event, which will be the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront, on October 19, 2014. Training will begin officially in June. Until then, I am going to try to be active each day in some form, and to walk and maybe add a jog for a bit in the mix just to get a bit of conditioning on this flabby form. This blog will be my journal of this journey.

GeekGal and Hubby, Alaska
August 2008